


At Least This Isn't a Mathemathical Equation

by ExtraPenguin



Series: Weird Chatty Mazei [2]
Category: The Goblin Emperor - Katherine Addison
Genre: Angst and Humor, Dazhis-related angst, Gen, Humor, Magic, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 10:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7529875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExtraPenguin/pseuds/ExtraPenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cala goes to research wards and shields to keep sharp, pointy objects away from Edrehasivar. Beshelar comes with and has his eyes opened a bit too much for comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Least This Isn't a Mathemathical Equation

Cala had not taken with him the entire contents of the Athmaz'are library, for that would be foolish. The lessened amount of hastily copied scrolls made finding a specific one easier, but on occasion, he'd discover that he was missing a necessary scroll.

He frowned. He had plenty of time before next shift, and could easily go find the relevant information from the Athmaz'are library.

Thus decided, he got up and arranged his robe. He thought for a moment, then decided to take Deret with. He crossed the communal room and knocked on his door.

Deret answered hastily, which led Cala to believe that he'd been indulging in one of his blue-backed novels again. Nothing wrong with that, though it was somewhat amusing that he would hide it so.

“Yes?” Deret asked.

“I'm going to look up wards in the Athmaz'are library. Wouldst like to accompany me? It'd be useful for thee to know what mazei can do.”

Deret considered for a moment, agreed, then disappeared back into his room. A few moments later he reappeared, polished to high gleam.

 

When they arrived at the Athmaz'are, the gate-guard sent messages to seemingly everyone who might have an interest in Cala. On the one hand, he'd liked receiving those messages himself, for then he'd know that someone he was rarely given the occasion to speak with was present. On the other hand, he was in no mood to consult with the Adremaza.

“What was that?” Deret whispered in his ear.

Oh, yes. “Those were little spells that seek out their intended recipients and tell them that I'm present. Think of them as messenger pigeons”, Cala suggested.

They had scarcely had time to get to the courtyard when they were accosted by Drannu, the part-barbarian mazo Cala had spent his training time avoiding. _Ah yes, thou found her creepy. So unlike Dazhis. Look at thy estimation-_ Cala stomped down hard at that thread of thought.

“Afternoon, Cala. Thou'rt never at the group orgies anymore. Soon all thy friends will think thee dead. I suggest that thou shouldst fix thy schedule.”

Cala rolled his eyes and recalled the _other_ reason he'd never befriended Drannu.

He elbowed Deret to keep him from putting his foot in his mouth from indignation, and said: “Afternoon, Drannu. We're here to look up wards in the library. Hast seen Nolis?”

“He is in the library, as always”, Drannu said. She gestured for them to follow, and set off towards the library. Very well, Cala could talk with her.

“How go thy experiments?” Cala asked. Always a safe topic with experimentalists.

“That is exactly what I wanted to tell thee about.” She gave a predatory smile that exposed her sharp teeth. “In trying to figure out a way to induce miscarriage, I also stumbled upon a spell that temporarily makes people unconscious. It is cast, and the subject only wakes up when the counter-spell is cast.”

“What poor souls have you tested such a thing on?” Deret asked.

“Rats. Spiders. A few dogs and cats.” Drannu turned back to Cala. “I have yet to test it on elves or the like, but I imagine that should it work, it would be useful for you. Are there any convicts I might use for the purpose?”

“I'll ask”, Cala said. “How about electricity?”

“Clairis is consulting with Brinthalar about that, currently; I am pissing on all the other forest fires I seem to have accumulated. I don't suggest disturbing them for some hours, though.”

Well, Drannu had always been direct. Cala considered asking her about any potential research into wards, when Deret stuck his foot in his mouth. “Why not? Should they not be informed of any developments, even if they are deep in conversation?”

Drannu stopped, stared at Deret for a moment, then said: “Because they're having sex.” She then turned and continued walking for a few steps, and looked back to see a confused Deret saying “ _What._ ” in a shocked tone of voice. Cala suppressed an urge to hide behind his hands.

After Deret had recovered enough to walk and think at the same time, their party continued its journey, and Deret whispered “Are they _marnei_?” in a scandalized tone of voice.

“Clairis is, isn't he?” Cala said, trying to keep his tone conversational. He'd have to speak to Deret about the behavioral norms amidst the dachenmazei later.

“Yes, he is. Personally, I never saw the point about shutting off half the Ethuveraz for such a minor point as genital configuration. Brinthalar seems to agree”, Drannu said.

Deret was obviously trying very hard to adjust to these revelations. “Is such a state of affairs ... _common_?” he asked.

Cala considered mentioning himself, but chose instead to say “Rather common, here where there are no negative consequences.” so as to limit the number of shocking revelations Deret would experience today. Perhaps tomorrow.

“Most dachenmazei of our generation do not care. Then again, there are only around twenty of us.” Drannu considered the clouds. “Thou'd have to look at that paper on statistics by Tairodar to see if conclusions could be drawn from so small a number.”

Deret, obviously at a loss for words and needing moral support, discreetly grabbed and twisted the sleeve of Cala's robe in his fist. Cala took this as a sign to change the topic. “I don't think I mentioned the reason for our journey here. Knowest anything about wards?” Gods, how he wished to pat Deret on the head and tell him everything would be all right. He was endearing.

Cala could practically see the clicking gears in Drannu's head, chasing inspiration. “Not especially. Not yet.” Again, a predatory grin. “What _sort_ of wards wert thou thinking about?”

“The sort that would be cast about a person, making him immune to blades, poison, or anything else that an Emperor's enemies may use against him.”

Drannu's expression grew almost fey. It was very disconcerting. “Well, there's one Clairis and Luzha have had fun with that makes people - if not their clothes - unstabbable, though it can only be cast during sex.”

Cala had a vision of himself engaging in sexual congress with His Serenity, whilst Deret and Csevet and Telimezh waited in line for their turn, and Kiru laughed in the corner. “Rather ... politically inadvisable.”

“I could, of course, be tapped to craft a more politically palatable version”, Drannu hinted.

Deret's suspicion meter seemed to have pinged, for he asked: “And why are you so eager?”

Drannu sighed. “Old Sehalis asked us to solve Vecran's Anti-Friction Vase. We would like to have an order that outranked his until he forgets all about it.”

“One of the novices make another's gear frictionless again?” Cala asked. Novices. So thoughtless on occasion. He determinedly thought about the architecture before the urge to wallow in memories of Dazhis came.

“They all came up with the same prank, and now all thirty of them have frictionless everything. Idiots”, Drannu grumbled. “But on that note, I shall leave you into Nolis' knowledgeable care. Good luck with your search.”

At the doorstep of the library building, Cala and Deret said their goodbyes to her, and escaped indoors as she departed back into the cool autumn air.

 

The library, as always, looked slightly worn and much-used. The whitewash on the walls had cracks that hadn't been repaired yet, but there was nary a mote of dust in sight. Cala was greeted by the familiar scent of old books.

Nolis was perched atop a tall stepladder, gazing intently at the back of a tome. He startled visibly and almost fell down when Cala cleared his throat.

“Ah, Cala! I didn't think thou'd visit old me with my dusty tomes, thou always did like Dazhis better.” After a sufficiently flat glare from Deret, Nolis seemed to realize that not only was Dazhis very dead, Dazhis had been a traitor. “Uh. Sorry. So, what brought thee here?”

“Any knowledge of wards that would make the Emperor immune to blades or poison would be welcome. The incident at Winternight was … alarming.”

Nolis looked like he had no idea what had happened at Winternight, but he merely nodded and said: “Most ward-related spells were created by Mora Athmaza a long time ago. He was convinced that the world was filled with hostile spirits. The wards he made to protect from them do seem to have kept away the voices he heard and the hallucinations, at least temporarily, but whether their effect is anything more than psychosomatic is debatable. I've asked Clairis to take a look at them, but he was distracted by the academic, Brinthalar”, Nolis grumbled. He frowned thoughtfully. “Dost wish to grace my bedroll, Cala?”

“Alas, I am much too busy in my duties to keep up affairs at the Athmaz'are”, Cala said, then elbowed Deret so that he would collect his jaw from the floor.

“Alas”, Nolis said. “There's a section on wards over on shelf 15, between the and of the medical texts and the start of cloth-making. As to the mazei who may have practical experience, Delaina may have something to protect one's self from sharp metal edges, the medical wing might know something, Ero and Canet might use something to protect themselves from students' accidents, and Drannu is a serial collector of odds and ends.”

“Thank you”, Cala said formally, and bowed. He led Deret to the shelf section they'd been directed to.

“What was thy exchange with him about?” Deret asked in a low voice.

Cala swallowed. “Nolis was competing over my favor and company. He lost. He has since enjoyed the company of at least Clairis, Neian, and Visan, but didst not see him, Deret? He is handsome like no other, and has never had trouble acquiring bedmates, and I think he has still not gotten over a refusal.”

Deret frowned. “Even in … this environment, he should still be capable of understanding that someone might not be marnis.”

Ah yes, that would be exactly how Deret would interpret it. “No, we refused him because he was so attractive and we so unlovely, we could see no other reason for his interest than cruel mockery. We found comfort in the arms of another, though it seems we got wrong the one with unkind motives.” He took a breath to force out what he must say next. “Dazhis was … still pretty, but not so that he would make me cry thinking of him.”

“Thou art more beautiful than either of them”, Deret declared. Realizing what he had just said, he blushed an incongruously delicate shade of pink, and hastily added, “Where were the texts on wards? Perhaps we should look at them.”

Cala held Deret's confession close to his heart and welcomed the distraction.

 

The library had nothing of use save the spell that had to be cast during sex, so they had to go speak with the mazei Nolis had suggested.

Delaina proved to be a short and slight maza with bright green eyes, a lopsided smile, and abnormally shiny hair the color of the unadorned bone tashin sticks Mer Aisava would wear on occasion.

“Afternoon, Delaina”, Cala said. “We are Cala Athmaza, first nohecharis to His Serenity Edrehasivar VII, and this is our partner, Lieutenant Deret Beshelar. We would be interested in any spells or wards you may know that would render His Serenity stab-proof.”

Delaina considered for a moment, then said, “We are unfortunately unable to help with magic wards, though we do know numerous spells to heal small cuts. Though we _could_ help His Serenity, should he want his sword polished to preternaturally high sheen.”

Deret emitted a sequence of choking noises.

Delaina reconsidered what he'd said. “Sorry, that came out wrong.”

“Do you know any healing spells the healers don't?” Cala asked.

“No, we don't”, Delaina said.

Cala took their leave, grabbed Deret, and went off to the healers' building.

 

Neian was her usual self, short and squishy, round-eyed and snub-nosed, and very busy with patients.

“Greetings, Neian”, Cala said. “Dost know of spells or wards that would make His Serenity immune to stab wounds or poisons?”

“No”, Neian said. “Though perhaps you should ask Luzha, he might've been able to come up with some variant on Vecran's Anti-Friction Vase that would make blades slide right off His Serenity.”

Cala considered for a moment. “And what would be the risk of His Serenity becoming completely frictionless?”

Deret looked horrified. “If that happened, how would he wear clothes?”

“More to the point”, Cala said, “how would he _stand_?”

“True”, Neian agreed. “I would suggest simply looking at Misiro's _A Reference of Emergency Spells_ and seeing what she recommends for healing cuts. Or thou couldst ask Kiru, I suppose. I also think that Ero may have a shield spell for protecting herself from the worst excesses of her students, if thou knowest in advance that something is coming.”

“Threats to His Serenity tend to be more … spontaneous”, Deret said.

“I suppose we could still ask her”, Cala said. “Come, Deret.” He nodded at Neian. “We'll let thee back to thy patients.”

“My neverending stream of them”, Neian grumbled.

 

Ero was not in any of the buildings, but rather sitting on the bank of the small pond between the Athmaz'are and the small strip of forest that shielded the mazei from the common people and vice versa. The pond was quiet, save for the occasional autumn-red leaves gently splashing into the water amidst the natant lilies.

“Ero?” Cala asked, after they had arrived at her shoulder and she still hadn't reacted.

“I forgive thee, Cala”, she said, not moving her gaze a bit. “Though I suppose it is not thy spirit which needs my forgiveness.”

“No”, Cala agreed. He elbowed a confused Deret to silence, then glanced a promise to explain later.

Ero rose. Cala had not spoken to her in a long time, but she was still a handsome woman of just above average height. “But I doubt thou came to speak with me of that matter. What brings thee – and thy appendage – here?”

“We are investigating to see whether the collective knowledge of the Atmaz'are might perhaps include spells and wards useful for protecting His Serenity from his enemies”, said “appendage” spat.

“More specifically, Neian mentioned that thy had a spell that could protect thee from the ‘worst excesses’ of thy students”, Cala said placatingly.

Ero burst out laughing.

A moment later, when she'd calmed down, she said, “Yes, Neian _would_ put it that way. Alas, it is mainly a protection against the fruits they use to practice levitation. Though I _do_ also have a ward that protects me from spells spreading to me – that is an occasional problem when an apprentice screws up a spell. No involuntary corybantic dancing for _me_ , please.”

“Is that from Bela Athmaza's _How Not To Die When Training Apprentices_?” Cala asked, visualizing the well-worn leatherbound eternal favorite.

“No, actually”, Ero said. “It's from Hannan the Louche's _Charms, Jinxes, Curses, and Hexes for the Discerning Maz_ _o_ _of the Modern Era_ and whatever the subtitle was. Also had a few contraceptive spells in it, and a few apparently for sex selection before conception, which His Serenity Edrehasivar VII may find useful. Though I haven't heard of anyone _using_ them, so it may be best to test them on someone else first.”

Deret spluttered. Cala calmly asked, “Knowest anything else that may be of use?”

Ero thought for a moment. “Nothing beyond what is common knowledge”, she finally said. “Goodbye, Cala, Cala's appendage.” She sat and turned back to contemplate the pond.

Cala collected an indignant Deret and walked towards the library.

“What was the talk of forgiveness about?” Deret asked.

“Years ago, we fought over Dazhis. I won”, Cala said. “For all the good it did to me.”

“And she was bitter.”

“Yes.” Cala tried to grasp the threads of memory. “In hindsight, I truly do not know whether he was manipulating us both for his own amusement, or whether my emotions, my actions – my very thoughts – were at all genuine.” Cala blinked back bitter tears and couldn't meet Deret's gaze. “Forgive us. We are being overly emotional.”

“I see why thou dostn't come here more often”, Deret said. “Thy past would swallow thee whole.”

Cala said nothing more on their walk to the library.

 

Later, back in their quarters, Cala read the notes he'd made on Hannan's shield spell. Potential side effects: minor tingling. He asked Deret to observe.

“Is there much risk?” Deret asked, concern plainly visible on his face, voice, and posture.

 _Not beyond what is typical for trying a new spell._ “No”, Cala said, as reassuringly as possible. A paranoid spotter was not much use. “Call for Kiru if anything truly alarming happens.” He re-read the instructions on casting.

Cala took a breath and cast the spell with a flick of the wrist and a mutter. He could feel a viscous liquid quickly passing over him, from head to toe, and then leaving behind- Oh.

Cala must've let his expression change. “Art all right?” Deret asked, face scrunched up in concern.

“Improper documentation”, Cala said. He swallowed. “The tingling is – erotic in nature.”

Deret blushed.

**Author's Note:**

> So, thoughts?
> 
> (Join us on the IRC channel: http://www.slashnet.org/webclient/thegoblinemperor )


End file.
